Time After Time
by hopeforeverlove
Summary: Based off Episode 20 of Season 11 - When Arizona finds out the truth about her amputation, she takes time to reflect on her life and on the things that changed in it.


There was a plane crash. There _was_ a plane crash_. _For the past couple years in Arizona's life, the past tense was both a blessing and a curse.

On one hand, she used it to remind herself that she was here. In Seattle. The same Seattle where survival came as easy as running to the grocery store or filling up your water bottle in a public drinking fountain. Out there, everything had felt impossible. Out there, she remembered staring at the bone of her leg, thinking life was some tragic joke. And the one thing that had always been a necessity to keep going, she lost; she lost hope.

On the other hand, the past tense reminded her of all the things that life had thrown at her since then. She knew they were things that weren't part of some painful memory she could just will herself to forget. Not like the plane crash. Mark. Lexie. The lawsuit. The miscarriage. The affair. Fighting with Callie more than she could take. And this prosthetic limb she walked on, day by day. She was here. Here in Seattle. But everything else reminded her that her life would never be how it was before.

For more than a year afterward, she stopped seeing the world as a bright, shiny happily ever after. As a surgeon, she saw more death than the average every day person, but in the past, she could try to think only the best and move on to the next patient. That was how she survived. But when the tragedy happened to her? She was lost. As if someone had pulled back the curtains to reveal the war that was happening all this time.

And since then, she didn't know how to be the same. As she changed, her life did too. That day in May. When she wore the white dress and walked with her father down the aisle. She had thought that would be the rest of her forever. And it had been for a while. She was watching her daughter grow up with her beautiful wife and their dear friend Mark. And one day, she woke up with everything, but she didn't know it was only temporary. _Please don't run. Please don't leave. _She had said those words to Callie in many ways. Even before the plane crash, it was the one thing that scared her the most in the world.

In the end, she was the one who locked the door of the on-call room and kissed that woman back. Arizona never wanted to be looked at as if she were a photo album. After the plane crash, it was how she thought Callie looked at her. It had felt impossible to meet Callie's expectations to be the old Arizona again. To love her in the same way. To be the same kind of bold and kiss her in that dirty bar bathroom. But the plane crash had left her terrified, and she let everything slip out of her hands. Sometimes she thought she cheated because at least it was something she could control. _I lost you too. _They lost each other.

After the last separation, she couldn't understand what had gone wrong that time. And it hurt to think Callie just plain didn't want her. To feel she was only a burden. She had thought she needed Callie. But here she was living without her wife for many months now. _A life more than being stuck with someone who feels stuck. _She wondered if she had finally felt that freedom Callie had mentioned back before in therapy. Was she free? Was this the life she was supposed to have?

A knock on the door. _"_Robbins, you okay in there?"

Arizona wiped the tears that started to form from her eyes. "Karev, just go check on the mothers. I'm fine,"

"Like hell you are. You're sitting in a _storage_ closet. Meredith told me I might find you in here,"

Arizona didn't reply as she tried to hold back a whimper. The whole day had been exhausting. It had felt as if she only spent half the time practicing medicine and the other half just hoping all the babies would be okay. She knew how that felt. To lose a child before it became anything at all. She wondered sometimes if that was what had caused her to stick with fetal surgery. She knew she could have easily given up before. She could have easily decided she would only want to be a pediatric surgeon. But instead, here she was. _Great privilege, such great privilege. _

_"_I'm coming in," Alex announced. His face fell when he saw Arizona trying so hard to hold it all together. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have told you I was the one. Not now at least. I'm sorry," with his voice growing quieter towards the end.

"I asked her about it. Did she mention anything to you?" Arizona asked, looking up slowly.

"Nah, nothing, but you know Torres, she gives you one mean look, and you know you're in trouble," Alex replied, shrugging slightly. He leaned against one of the shelves.

"...I told her to let me even the score,"

"What?"

"After Callie found out about the affair, we had this _awful _fight. One of those fights where you can't even control what you're saying anymore. But I still said those words. _Stick out your leg, and I'll grab a bone saw._"

Alex didn't know what to reply with. He looked away. He never was good with any of the touchy feely crap, but part of him always wondered what kind of person he would be if it had been him and not Arizona on that plane.

"Months after, I kept wondering how someone who loved me that much could also be the same person to saw off a part that made me feel human," Arizona confessed in a hush, her throat feeling constricted. "I wouldn't get out of bed. But I never slept more than four hours a day. The nightmares kept me awake. And I'd just think about when Callie promised me to save my leg. I'd replay the same conversation over and over again in my head."

"Are you mad at me?"

Arizona thought it over for a moment before shaking her head. "I think part of me wants to be, but it's just been so long. I don't have the energy. I think I'm just tired of blaming other people. It was all...all out of our hands."

"You going to be okay?"

"I'll be out in ten minutes. You should go," Arizona replied, trying to smile a little. "I just…just needed to process."

"I don't have to go,"

"No…go, you should. I doubt it's safe to leave pregnant yoga moms in a hospital alone for too long,"

Alex sighed as if he wanted to say something else but didn't know what. "Look, Robbins, I wouldn't be here without you. You're a fighter," He gave Arizona a reassuring smile.

She looked down at the part of her prosthetic leg she could see. She wondered if she could still call it her ankle.

"You're right by the way. Hopkins wouldn't have been for me. This is where I belong. It's where I fit into some puzzle or whatever," Alex continued.

"You think that? You think the universe has a plan?"

"I don't know, but it helps. I guess it just helps,"

Arizona nodded slightly. "Ten minutes, and keep those babies in there, you hear?"

Alex stood back upright. "Will do. Let me know if you need anything," he replied, walking back towards the door.

"And Alex?"

"What?"

"Do you think it's worth it? To keep fighting,"

"What do you mean?"

"For Callie, I mean. Do you think it's worth it?"

He paused for a moment before replying, "Depends how much she's worth to you,"

And with that, he closed the door behind him.

* * *

It was midday. Midday lately had become Callie's favorite time of the day, that is when she wasn't stuck in surgery. The morning, she had been. A hip replacement. The afternoon, rotator cuff repair. But at this time for these two hours, she had to herself. When she had this free time, most of it was used checking up on pre-op and post-op rounds. And lunch time. It used to be Arizona or Mark who she'd eat lunch with. Had been for a long time.

Now, these days, she'd sit with Meredith, Alex, or Maggie whenever they were around in the cafeteria. It was different. This life now, this hospital. So much had changed since her residency. The medicine, her co-workers, the people she loved. Callie had changed. The hospital had changed. Hell, Callie changed the hospital, and it changed her.

This midday, she chose to visit her daughter. They had had a rough morning getting ready to leave. Sofia had refused to wear shoes that morning and threw a huge fit in the car about it the way to the hospital. When Callie dropped her off, shoes and all, the young girl was far too mad to make an effort to kiss her mother goodbye. The Dr. Torres in her had to fight to urge to explain to her preschool-age daughter about all the complications that could arise from stepping barefoot on a nail, but she knew it wasn't the sort of thing one would explain to someone who couldn't even read yet.

They had been learning the alphabet though. So far, Sofia had committed the song to memory mostly because of its catchy tune and such, but the letters weren't something she could make sense out of yet. Callie wanted so much for her daughter. Much more than a hospital daycare center could give her little Sofia. For starters, she knew she could be reading to Sofia more often than she was now. Arizona had always been better at that sort of thing. She had looked into nearby highly rated preschools. She even had went as far to bring it up to Arizona once, but both of them were unsure how convenient it would be to have Sofia far away from where they worked. Perhaps if the two were not separated, it would have been an easier thing to plan. But for now, the hospital daycare center was what Sofia was left with.

When Callie finally reached the daycare center, Arizona was waiting outside.

"Arizona? Is something wrong?" Callie asked, walking closer.

"Callie, we need to talk,"

Concerned, "Is it Sofia? Does she have a fever?"

"Sofia's fine,"

"Then…?"

Arizona sighed and took a hold of Callie's wrist with the intention of pulling them into the nearest storage room she could find.

Shocked, "Hey, what are you doing? Arizona, _Arizona!" _

"I need to talk," Arizona repeated, trying to stand at a comfortable distance from which she could speak to Callie, who was leaning up against the closed door of the room.

"Yeah? Last time I checked, talking doesn't require a change of location. How did you know I would even be at the daycare?"

Arizona looked away, her eyes looking everywhere around the room except at Callie. "You…you were running late. It usually means Sofia had something to do with it. What was it today?"

Callie laughed a little. "Shoes. It almost doesn't feel worth it to buy her more pairs of shoes she'll complain about and just end up growing out of anyway,"

"She'll always wear her dress shoes, no questions asked. She likes to think they are _incredibly _fancy just because we put them away except for special occasions,"

Callie looked at Arizona, studying her for a moment. She smiled. "I'll have to remember that. It'd be a life-saver if there's a next time,"

"You always feel guilty after being bad cop with her," Arizona replied, "I just had a feeling you'd be down here."

"A feeling?" Callie echoed.

"Yeah, a feeling…and I already checked the cafeteria and asked your residents," Arizona confessed with a small smile on her face.

Callie rolled her eyes, smiling a little.

"You don't have to be afraid, you know? To give me a call. Sofia sometimes just like to get your attention in any way she can,"

"_Arizona, _we're standing in a storage room. Is this about last week? The news about Alex? Because I swear to god—,"

"No, it was good. It's better that I know,"

"I would have told you,"

"But you were just trying to protect me," Arizona replied, nodding, "I understand. You're _always _trying to protect me,"

Frowning slightly, "Are you expecting an apology?"

"No, no, I didn't mean it in that way,"

"I protected you because I love—it doesn't matter anymore, okay? You know the truth. And frankly, I think I've faced enough repercussions from withholding it from you."

Arizona didn't reply.

"I only have an hour and half before my next surgery. I'm sorry, but I would like to see Sofia before then,"

"You said you felt stuck,"

"What?"

"At the therapy, you said you felt stuck with someone who feels stuck,"

Callie sighed and gave Arizona a sad smile. "I thought you were okay…with this, with us,"

"I am. I mean, I thought I was,"

"Arizona, I'm tired of fighting. I won't be able to take it anymore," she pleaded.

Arizona looked back at Callie, not knowing what else to say.

"Have you been seeing anyone?" Callie asked, though she already had a feeling what the answer would be.

"I don't want to fight. I said I just wanted to talk,"

"…because you should, see other people. It'd be good for you. To move on,"

Everything Arizona thought she would say slipped out of her mind. "I yelled at you. I ignored you for months because all this time, I thought you picked up the bone saw and cut off my leg. Why…why did you let me do that?

"You said it yourself. I was protecting—,"

"It _destroyed _me. I thought it was you. It took so much to even trust you again. And it hurts even more now. It was all I thought about for the past couple nights. How much I alienated you and yelled at you. God, _oh god, _Calliope," Arizona replied with a hand covering her mouth. She was trying so hard to keep herself together.

"But _I _made the call,"

"I know. _You_ made the decision. You told Alex to cut off the limb,"

"Arizona, are you really trying to convince yourself that you wouldn't have blamed me anyway? Even worse, you'd hate Alex too. It was the only thing that made sense. And now, it's over. It's done,"

For a moment, neither of them could find the words to say to each other.

"I don't want to move on," Arizona finally replied.

"What?"

"I don't need you, not the way I thought I did before,"

Callie furrowed her eyebrows. A nervous laugh. "Um did I miss something?"

"_I need you. Don't leave. Don't run,_" Arizona replied, "Over and over I said those words to you. But you left anyway, and—,"

"I left because that was what—,"

"…and I realized that I don't need you. I've made it this far without you, haven't I? I don't want to suffocate you again, Callie. I don't want you to feel like I depend on you…too much. You've done so much for me already. I don't want you to feel like you're the one who has to put me back together all the time. I'm complete now. I'm happy. I love my job. But _god, _Callie, I just want _you _back in my life…because you make everything a little brighter. And my world feels less heavy with you in it too,"

Callie's face fell. She couldn't let herself cry. "_Arizona,"_

"You still have time to, you know, see Sofia. I should, I should get going. Let Sofia know I will be picking her up in the evening,"

"Arizona, I don't…I don't know what to say," Callie replied as she walked closer to Arizona, away from the door.

"It's okay. I-I'll let you process," Arizona replied, trying to exit past Callie.

But Callie grabbed onto her wrist, not letting her leave just yet. "There's a cop who wants to go on a second date with me." She looked down as she said the words.

Arizona smiled sadly, her heart feeling like it might break all over again. "It's okay," she responded trying to add a slight laugh, "Like I told you before, there will be people lining up for you."

Callie looked into Arizona's eyes. Memories flashing through her head, good ones, bad ones. This was the woman she had shared so much of her life with. The blonde woman with those blue eyes and butterflies on her scrub cap. Her eyes started to well up. Callie had always been the type of person who knew what she wanted, who would fight for the people she loved, who stayed stubborn more often than not. But in this moment, she wasn't so sure anymore. It wasn't the cop. It wasn't the woman who kissed her after their first date. Her voice cracking, "But they aren't you."

And when they kissed again after so many months, she knew. It was Arizona. How could she forget?

Arizona smiled and weaved her fingers through Callie's, so they were holding hands. "Come on, let's go see Sofia,"

Callie let go. "I don't know if…this is all so fast. I don't know what I'm doing. We can't just keep _hurting_ each other. I'm-I'm scared,"

Arizona put her hands on both of Callie's cheeks. "I trust you. I trust us. I may not know the future, but I know I love you. I'm in love with you,"

Callie leaned in and kissed Arizona. With her forehead against Arizona's, she whispered the words back.

"I love you. And you love me. And for now, that's all that matters,"


End file.
